Unbelievably Boring

Reflection

I just read the story of Narcissus, a beautiful youth in Greek mythology who pines away for love of his own reflection and is then turned into the narcissus flower. I've been reading so much, but not enough. I have not been keeping up with the assigned readings for my class.

I think about my life. I grew up in a strict catholic house. It's no wonder I am so confused. I'm not a believer. I don't practice religion. But, I do subconsciously. I have so many beliefs that are a part of me. That's why I always enjoy learning about different cultures and beliefs. It helps me to put together what are the right beliefs for me. How can I be a better person, to myself and others. How can I make decisions without some moral guidance? Yeah, it's people like me who end up in cults.

It's scary. The more I think about it. I am not living the life that I had dreamed of. I think the loss of my religion brought about some disillusionment. You spend your life reading these stories and trying to be good for god and praying for your soul and asking for forgiveness and then, you realize that they are just stories. And you can't make yourself believe them no matter how much you want to.

Why do I do the things that I do? I don't know. Am I the person I want to be? Who can I turn to? I believe that you don't get the answers while you are alive. But then again, that's the catholic me talking. I think that no matter how you live your life, you will not know what is important. I think about these things. Especially when I think of having money or being successful, because these things are fleeting and do not make life fulfilling or worthwhile.

My children are a blessing to me(there I go again, sounding religious). I am sad, because my freindships do not last. But, I am thankful for what I have. It seems like I let people down. And I'm sorry.