October 24, 2004

A Long and Difficult Jouney

A "no" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

-Mahatma Gandhi

Communication

I read this on a spirutual advising website, and I thought, yeah that makes sense.

And as an adult, [ i am in my late thirties ], i have found the man that is most like my father. That man told me not long ago that he does and says things just to push my buttons. i tried real hard to think before i reacted, but those buttons just went nuts. he seems to know exactly the right time to start pushing those buttons.. you know kick them when they are down. so, as a lesson learned, i now make sure i think, and analyze, alittle before responding. although, once in a while , it seems to make him try even harder to goad me into battle. so i think i've made a baby step toward understanding me.

Congratulations that’s great! You are starting to practice some detachment. Taking baby steps is how we do things - and we have to get the awareness before we can work on changing the behavior. I am not sure what your male significant other’s background is but he is reacting out of his childhood wounds also. Sometimes, when a person comes from a home that was very emotionally volatile they think that you don’t love them unless you will engage with them - that is respond to their goading - or sometimes when a person doesn’t have permission to own their own anger they will pick someone who expresses anger as a way of getting a release, through the other persons raging - or he may be reacting out of his self-hatred, the wounded little boy in him that does not feel lovable, and may need to sabotage things when there is no turmoil or he feels you are giving him love he doesn’t deserve - or it could be his excuse to keep practicing an addiction, to drink or smoke dope or whatever. Whatever is causing him to act that way it is not personal - it is not about who you really are, because you are just starting on the journey to finding our your True Self and your codependent defense system has been a mask you have been wearing to defend yourself, and he was attracted, in part at least, to the mask.

Posted by elsie at 02:07 PM | Comments (44)

October 23, 2004

Clementine

You're Clemetine!
You're Clementine! You're very fun and creative
and have a very magnetic personality, but you
might be projecting an image to the world
without even really knowhing who you are.


Which Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted by elsie at 07:26 PM

October 22, 2004

Eternal Sunshine

...of the Spotless Mind

I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

Posted by elsie at 11:00 PM

Eternal Sunshine

...of the Spotless Mind

I'm not a concept. I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind. I'm not perfect.

More Quotes

Posted by elsie at 10:59 PM | Comments (2)

October 11, 2004

Columbus Day

I've done so much laundry this weekend. Come to think of it, I did last weekend, too. I mean, I've got to wash my clothes and the kids clothes and towels and bedsheets and comforters. Then I cleaned the bathroom, mostly because the cat had diarea in the bathtub (he thinks it's his litter box). So I got the Comet and scrubed the tub and the toilet. Busy busy. I was washing the dishes and wondering, why do they call the dishliquid Joy? Joy?!! I don't get it.

Posted by elsie at 10:37 AM | Comments (1)

October 10, 2004

Raison de Croire

Study, study, study... gets so boring. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. If I could just focus on my goal - graduating. That's all that matters. My degree, it's supposed to be my golden ticket. I hope it's true...

Posted by elsie at 11:41 PM | Comments (0)

October 08, 2004

Repetition

What happens when I hit the wall
Who will catch me whe I fall
It's harder than it was before
It's getting harder to ignore
It seems that I can't do it all
But who will catch me when I fall

Bob Dylan lyrics :: Last Thoughts On Woody Guthrie lyrics

When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb
When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When yer laggin' behind an' losin' yer pace
In a slow-motion crawl of life's busy race

No matter what yer doing if you start givin' up
If the wine don't come to the top of yer cup
If the wind's got you sideways with with one hand holdin' on
And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone
And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but yer lazy to fetch it
And yer sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long
And you start walkin' backwards though you know its wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away

And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin'
And yer rope is a-slidin' 'cause yer hands are a-drippin'
And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipe's a-pourin'
And the lightnin's a-flashing and the thunder's a-crashin'
And the windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops a-shakin'
And yer whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'
And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
And to yourself you sometimes say
I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn't they tell me the day I was born

And you start gettin' chills and yer jumping from sweat
And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet
And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air
And the whole world's a-watchin' with a window peek stare
And yer good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flying
And yer heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'
And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet
And you need it badly but it lays on the street
And yer bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat
And you think yer ears might a been hurt
Or yer eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterdays rush
When you were faked out an' fooled while facing a four flush
And all the time you were holdin' three queens
And it's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin' around a pinball machine
And there's something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth
And his jaws start closin with you underneath
And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign
And you say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hanging
On this pathway I'm strolling, in the space I'm taking
In this air I'm inhaling

Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailin'
On this mandolin I'm strummin', in the song I'm singin'
In the tune I'm hummin', in the words I'm writin'
In the words that I'm thinkin'
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinkin'
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make yer heart pound
But then again you know why they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
Cause sometimes you hear'em when the night times comes creeping
And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping
And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of yer thinking
If that was you in the dream that was screaming

And you know that it's something special you're needin'
And you know that there's no drug that'll do for the healin'
And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding
And you need something special
Yeah, you need something special all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows yer troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at yer looks
Your voice or your face

And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rollin' long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked

You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope
But hope's just a word
That maybe you said or maybe you heard

On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve
But that's what you need man, and you need it bad
And yer trouble is you know it too good
Cause you look an' you start getting the chills
Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill
And it ain't on Macy's window sill
And it ain't on no rich kid's road map
And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house
And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain't on that dimlit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Ranting and raving and taking yer money
And you thinks it's funny
No you can't find it in no night club or no yacht club
And it ain't in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you're bound to tell
That no matter how hard you rub
You just ain't a-gonna find it on yer ticket stub
No, and it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you
And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you
And it ain't in no cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star's blouse
And you can't find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain't in the cream puff hair-do or cotton candy clothes
And it ain't in the dime store dummies or bubblegum goons
And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knockin' and tappin' in Christmas wrappin'
Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute and look at my skin
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry
When you can't even sense if they got any insides

These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No you'll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made out-a paper mache?
And inside it the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who'd turn yuh in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind yer back
My friend

The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do
And think they're foolin' you
The ones who jump on the wagon
Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of rnoney and chicks
And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat
Sayin', Christ do I gotta be like that
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel

Good God Almighty
THAT STUFF AIN'T REAL
No but that ain't yer game, it ain't even yer race
You can't hear yer name, you can't see yer face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that yer seekin'
Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'
Where do you look for this oil well gushin'
Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs
You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you can go to Brooklyn State Hospital
You'll find God in the church of your choice
You'll find Woody Guthrie in Brooklyn State Hospital
And though it's only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You'll find them both
In the Grand Canyon
At sundown

Posted by elsie at 12:36 PM

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Posted by elsie at 06:50 AM | Comments (0)

October 03, 2004

Meandering Thoughts

I used to love Guns N Roses, back in the early 90's. I was just thinking of one of their song from Use Your Illusions.
Locomotive

Gonna find a way to cure this loneliness
Yeah I'll find a way to cure the pain
If I said that you're my friend
And our love would never end
How long before I had your trust again

Posted by elsie at 09:28 PM | Comments (0)

October 02, 2004

Complex Analysis

Six of one, half a dozen of the other, teach a man to fish, and there's no "i" in team. That's what Ellen said at the end of her HBO special. She was talking about what to say if you lose your train of thought, and forget the point you were trying to make. I'll change the last one to, there's no "i" in real. And let's not forget, zero is not nothing.

Posted by elsie at 09:58 AM | Comments (0)

October 01, 2004

Save the Dates!

Fall 2004

Registration Day - Undergraduate, Graduate, Stockbridge, Continuing Education
Tuesday September 7

First Day of classes
Wednesday September 8

Last day to Add or Drop with no record - Undergraduate, Graduate, Stockbridge, Continuing Education
Tuesday September 21

Holiday - Columbus Day
Monday October 11

Monday class schedule will be followed
Wednesday October 13

Last day to Drop with "DR" - Graduate
Tuesday October 19

Mid-Semester Date (Last day to drop with 'W' - Undergraduate, Stockbridge, Continuing Education)
Monday October 25

Counselling period begins
Wednesday November 10

Holiday - Veterans Day
Thursday November 11

Counselling period ends
Wednesday November 17

Thursday class schedule will be followed
Monday November 22

Thanksgiving recess begins after last class
Wednesday November 24

Classes resume
Monday November 29

Last day of classes
Monday December 13

Reading Period begins
Tuesday December 14

Reading Period ends
Wednesday December 15

Final examinations begin
Thursday December 16

Last day of final examinations
Wednesday December 22

Snow day for exams, semester ends
Thursday December 23

Final grades due 12:00 noon
Monday January 3

Posted by elsie at 05:34 PM | Comments (0)