Self Growth

Self Growth

Sanjaya Malakar You Really got me

CNN

I read the news today on CNN. I've almost always regretted reading the news on CNN because it has never failed to leave me feeling sickish in my stomach. The biggest story was the depraved actions of madman on April 17th. Another story called "the Preacher's Wife" caught my attention.

"A wig and a tall, white platform shoe were placed on the witness stand during her testimony. Blushing crimson and staring at the floor, she said her husband bought them for her to wear to get him in the mood for sex."

She was convicted of voluntary manslaughter.

WoW

Ug

New Vinyl

On Saturday afternoon I stopped to look at a house with a 'For Sale' sign on the front lawn. I pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. Emily and I walked around the house to get a look at the back yard.

When we walked back to the car, I noticed a large stack of vinyl records sitting at the bottom of the driveway. I snatched them up and stashed them in the trunk of my car. It was a pretty sweet collection, too.

I had to purchase a turntable. I picked one up at Walmart for $99. I listened to the Doors album first. One of the songs has a line where I really expected him to sing, "fuck" and I am pretty sure he did when he performed the song live. Madonna has a similar rhyme in the Sex book version of Erotica.

By the way, L'America is not my favorite song on the album. I prefer the title track, L.A. Woman, and Riders on the Storm to L'America. In fact, I'd never heard L'America before until I got this album. Perhaps it will grow on me.

**********************************
I had a dream last night that I went to Miko. At first, I was just walking down the street past the shop. I saw some people walk by, looking in the window from the streeet. They had dissapproving looks on their face. The clerk in the store said something. I could see his face through the window. I couldn't hear him but somehow I knew what he said. I approached the shop, reached for the door, pulled it open and walked in.

I said to the clerk, "I heard what you said, even though I couldn't hear you. I guess I can read lips." That is what I said, although I believed it was a telepathic connection that made it possible.

There were a few stand alone bathtubs and sinks in the adjacent room. They appeared to be made of porcelain. I thought for a moment how much I wanted a bathtub of my own, and wondered if I could somehow fit one in my tiny bathroom at home.

I saw many small, circular mirrors like the kind a woman might use to apply makeup, or a man to shave his face. They had little stands supporting them, and they sat on the many shelves that lined the room. I looked in the first mirror and my face appeared as I can only describe as Asian. My nose was much smaller, my cheekbones more prominent, and my eyes were narrow on the outside corners. It was strange, but I thought it was pretty.

Each mirror I looked into distrored my face in a different way. One made me appear to be a model, where my lips were fuller and my eyebrows were higher. I justified these optical illusions by reasoning that each glass was curved to create the special effect. The last few mirrors that I looked into distorted my appearance in a way that I did not understand. In one of them, I looked like some sort of monster, and my tongue was sticking out. I was sure that I was not sticking out my tongue at the time.

That was a surprisingly relaxing dream. I woke up and I wished that I could have stayed in bed.

I'll give you love
I'll hit you like a truck
I'll give you love
I'll teach you how to... ahhh

- Erotica, Madonna

Doors - L'America Lyrics

Yeeeaahh I took a trip down to L'America
To trade some beads for a pint of gold
I took a trip down to L'America
To trade some beads for a pint of gold
L'America, L'America, L'America
L'America, L'America, L'America

C'mon people, don't ya look so down
You know the rain man's comin' ta town
Change the weather, change your luck
And then he'll teach ya how ta...find yourself
L'America

Friendly strangers came to town
All the people put them down
But, the women loved their ways
Come again some other day
Like the gentle rain
Like the gentle rain that falls

I took a trip down to L'America
To trade some beads for a pint of gold
I took a trip down to L'America
To trade some beads for a pint of gold
L'America, L'America, L'America
L'America, L'America, L'America
L'America

Leonard Cohen › Everybody Knows

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that youve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows youve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that its now or never
Everybody knows that its me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when youve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old black joes still pickin cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the plague is coming
Everybody knows that its moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But theres gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that youre in trouble
Everybody knows what youve been through
From the bloody cross on top of calvary
To the beach of malibu
Everybody knows its coming apart
Take one last look at this sacred heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows

But Not Before One More Racism Joke or Two

Immus Canned

I think it's about time that we stop confusing racism and sexism with entertainment. Good riddance.

B-Positive

Improving Your Self Image

Improving your self-image, like improving any skill, takes time and practice. Developing good self-esteem involves encouraging a positive (but realistic) attitude toward yourself and the world around you and appreciating your worth, while at the same time behaving responsibly towards others. Self-esteem isn't self-absorption; it's self-respect.

By working from the inside out (focusing on changing your own way of thinking before changing the circumstances around you), you can build your self-esteem. The goal of this positive thinking is to give yourself a more positive self-concept, while seeing yourself honestly and accepting yourself, and removing the internal barriers that can keep you from doing your best.

Positive Thinking

There are many ways a person can change negative thoughts and self-criticism to more realistic and positive thoughts. Focusing on all of them at once may be overwhelming, but focusing on a few at a time and reminding yourself of these positive approaches regularly can change your self-esteem.

Read the positive thought strategies below and choose several that would help you most. Write them down and remind yourself to pause and change your way of thinking each time you are being critical of yourself. As you become more comfortable with each new way of thinking (for example, learning not to apologize or accept blame for other's anger) try adding a new positive thought strategy to your list.

Positive Thought Strategies

• Avoid exaggerations.
  Correct your internal voice when it exaggerates, especially when it exaggerates the negative. Try to avoid thinking in extreme terms ("I always make that mistake" or "I'll never get that promotion.")
• Nip negative thoughts in the bud.
  Sometimes putting a stop on negative thinking is as easy as that. The next time you start giving yourself an internal browbeating, tell yourself to "stop it!" If you saw a person yelling insults at another person, you would probably tell them to stop. Why do you accept that behavior from yourself?
• Accentuate the positive.
  Instead of focusing on what you think are your negative qualities, accentuate your strengths and assets. Maybe you didn't ace the test you were studying for, but maybe your hard work and perseverance led to a better grade than you would have had. Maybe you felt nervous and self-conscious when giving a presentation at work, but maybe your boss and coworkers respected you for getting up and trying.
• Accept flaws and being human.
  Maybe you did get nervous and blow that presentation at work - so what? Talk to your boss about what went wrong, try to address the error in the future, and move on. All people have flaws and make mistakes. Your boss, coworkers, friends, family, postman, congressman, and favorite movie star have all made mistakes. They've forgiven themselves; so can you.
• Accept imperfections.
  Perfection is a high goal to aim for -- you don't need to start there or even end there. Make doing your best your ideal -- what more can you realistically do? Focus on what you've gained from the process and how you can use it in the future. Avoid focusing on what wasn't done or 'should have' been done differently. Allow yourself to make mistakes and then forgive yourself. Try laughing instead of criticizing.
• Don't bully yourself!
  "Should have, could have, would have ... " Try not to constantly second guess yourself, criticize yourself for what you "should" have done better, or expect too much from yourself. Don't put standards on yourself that you wouldn't expect from others. It's great to want to do well, but expecting yourself to be perfect (which is impossible) and then punishing yourself when you fail is a vicious cycle. Using expressions like "I should have" is just a way of punishing yourself after the fact.
• Replace criticism with encouragement.
  Instead of nagging or focusing on the negative (in yourself and others), replace your criticism with encouragement. Give constructive criticism instead of being critical ("maybe if I tried to do ____ next time, it would be even better" instead of "I didn't do that right.") Compliment yourself and those around you on what you have achieved ("well, we may not have done it all, but we did a pretty great job with what we did".)
• Don't feel guilty about things beyond your control.
  You are not to blame every time something goes wrong or someone has a problem. Apologizing for things and accepting blame can be a positive quality, if you are in the wrong and if you learn and move on. But you shouldn't feel responsible for all problems or assume you are to blame whenever someone is upset.
• Don't feel responsible for everything.
  Just as everything is not your fault, not everything is your responsibility. It's okay to be helpful, but don't feel the need to be all things (and do all things) for all people. This is taking too much of a burden on yourself AND limiting those around you. Let others be responsible for themselves and their actions -- you shouldn't feel responsible for their happiness.
• Do feel responsible for your feelings.
  Just as you can't "make" other people happy, don't expect others to "make" you feel happy or good about yourself. In the same way, they shouldn't make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. You create your own feelings and make your own decisions. People and events may have an affect on your emotions, but they can't dictate them.
• Treat yourself kindly.
  People often feel more comfortable treating themselves in ways they wouldn't consider treating others. Do you criticize yourself with terms like "stupid" "ugly" or "loser"? Would you use those terms to describe a friend? Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated as well as you treat others. Do something nice for yourself sometimes -- either in thought (give yourself a compliment) or action (treat yourself to a nice dinner or new book.)
• Give yourself a break.
  You don't need to be all things to all people or please everyone. Give yourself permission to decide you're doing the best you can. Remind yourself when you're doing things well -- don't wait to hear it from someone else.
• Choose the brighter side of things.
  You can choose how to interpret comments and events, so try for the more positive interpretations. If someone says, "You look good today," don't ask yourself "What was wrong with the way I looked yesterday?" Accept compliments graciously (don't ask yourself why you haven't been complemented on something else or why you haven't complemented you before.) Look at temporary setbacks as opportunities for growth.
• Forgive and forget.
  Try not to hang on to painful memories and bad feelings - this is a surefire way to encourage negative thoughts and bad moods. Your past can control you if you don't control it. If you can, forgive past wrongs and move on. (Don't forget that forgiving yourself is an important part of this process, too!) If you have a hard time forgiving or forgetting, consider talking through your emotions with a good friend or counselor, but try not to dwell. It's important to work through things, but you can't let the past determine your future.
• Focus on what you CAN do, not what you can't.
  Avoid "can't" thinking or other negative language. If you say something often enough, you may start to believe it, so keep your statements positive, not negative. Don't be afraid to seek help in accomplishing things, but remind yourself that you don't need approval from others to recognize your accomplishments. Focus on what you're able to do. Remind yourself of all your capabilities and positive qualities.

Using just one or two of the above strategies on a regular basis can greatly increase your positive self-image and self-esteem. Making these internal changes will increase your confidence in yourself and your willingness and ability to make external changes and improve your life.

Ha!

Did You Know? Excessive Warcraft Play Can Anger Girlfriend
*/Waves to Girlfriend*
10 Tips For Handling An Irate Girlfriend

1. Buy her cookies. That usually wins you points for the night.

2. Tell her to come read or work in the room you play in. She'll feel like you spend time together, and won't act ignored.

3. Buy her beer. That one always works. She'll be asleep in no time.

4. Try to get her to play WoW with you. "It's more fun when we play together! Be an elf, then you can be tall and leggy!" Whoops.

4a. But don't tell anyone online she's your girlfriend. She gets kind of touchy about that.

5. Buy her shiny baubles.

6. Never, ever tell the people online: "I gotta log off guys, my girlfriend wants me to spend time with her." Instead, why not look like a champ, and make your girlfriend happy at the same time. "I gotta log off, guys, my girlfriend is great in the sack and I'm not missing out on it tonight."

7. You notice that 1,3, and 5 all started with "Buy her" something? I'm breaking the pattern. Don't buy that b*tch a thing. She should understand your gaming needs.

8. Oh, she left you did she? That's fine. More time for Molten Core raids.

9. But the wedding dress you tailored for her, and the engagement ring you got at the auction house? What to do? Send them to your new online girlfriend. She never tells you to clean the apartment. (Just make sure she's really a "she", okay?)

10. Repeat. The girl will be back. Nerds are irresistible.

OMG

It's Wednesday. The midpoint of the week. This morning was not fun, but I managed to get into work for 8. Then I found out that the work I was planning for this morning needs to get done at the end of the day. I guess I'll have to come back here after my appointment.

I've been looking forward to this appointment, but not the $20 copay. That stinks. Or the bill that I will get afterwards in the mail because my insurance won't foot the bill until I've met my $3000 deductable. I doubt that will happen this year. I certainly hope not. I also need to get the family to a dentist. It's been a while and making appointments is one of those administrative family tasks that are low on a big list of priorities. Perhaps it shouldn't be.

I still wonder who told you that you have bad taste. That hurt my feelings.

I have a list of things that I would change if I could. I guess I need to decide if trying to change things would really make a difference, or if I should just burn this list.

I mean really, how can I change anything? Well who knows.

Subject change: I'm so ready to watch Lost tonight.

One of Us
Wednesday, April 11 at 10/9c

Jack's joyous reunion with his fellow survivors is cut short when they realize that accompanying him is one of "The Others."

Full

Bruce Bogtrotter was the little boy that stole a piece of chocolate cake from the Trunchbull in Matilda. As punishment, he then had to consume an entire cake in front of the whole school.

It did not damage his psyche. In fact, he was tough. He showed Trunchbull off by licking the plate clean, while an audotorium of children chanted his name. He was victorious!

I am no Bogtrotter. I can honestly say that I've had enough cake. I don't want anymore.

I don't want to damage your fragile psyche.

Lost Committee

Senator Forms Subcommittee

DST

Paradise (Not For Me)

Paradise (Not For Me) Lyrics
written by Madonna and Mirwais

I can't remember
When I was young
I can't explain
If it was wrong
My life goes on
But not the same
Into your eyes
My face remains

I've been so high
I've been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground

I was so blind
I could not see
Your paradise
Is not for me

Autour de moi
Je ne vois pas
Qui sont les anges
Sûrement pas moi
Encore une fois
Je suis cassée
Encore une fois
Je n'y crois pas

All around me
I could not see
Who are the angels
Surely not me
Once more again
I am broken
Once more again
I don't believe it

I've been so high
I've been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground

There is a light
Above my head
Into your eyes
My face remains

I can't remember
When I was young
Into your eyes
My face remains

Into your eyes
My face remains

Talking Heads › Once In A Lifetime

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...

First, do no harm (in production).

What a day. I started off on a high note, but my biorhythm is getting dangerously low. I almost fell asleep at my desk and then my boss walked into my cube and handed me a soda. That was nice.

Thinking of You

Whenever life gets a little crazy I just think of you and I get these little floating hearts over my head <3 <3 <3

Things are getting better (I hope)!